¿Por que?

Today I walked into BC with my best friend and I bought and expensive skateboard.
I've wanted to learn how to skate for a while now.
But even talking to the guys that worked there stressed me out,
How on earth am I gonna go to a skate park?
I don't know
I don't know.

Lately every thing makes me stressed or anxious.
I shouldn't feel stressed about anything
My life is good... Real goooood.
But my mind can't help going off on tangents and slowly dragging itself into more chaos.

I didn't take this class seriously.
I should have been on time.
I'm sorry.

I tried to learn tricks on my board and I just ended up hitting my ankles instead.

I'm watching my friends leave on missions
And my best friend leaves in 18 days.
I don't think he will ever understand how much I care about him,
but truthfully I don't think he cares for me that much at all.
I know it's good that they're going,
It's just awful to watch them leave.
I have never been more grateful for e-mail.

I'm scared to leave my family.
I am slowly repairing my relationship with my dad.
And I don't think I've ever been closer, or more grateful for my step family.
I'm going to miss all 4 of my crazy brothers.
And my mom. And Richard.

I'm wearing stupid Nike socks to try to get the swelling in my ankle to go down.

College is strange
I  want to learn Spanish and sewing and the metric system
And instead I'm going to take math for the real world.
I graduated high school with 25 college credits
I'm proud, but why?
Does it even matter?

Progress is relative, but man, I should be getting somewhere by now.

I watch my friends fall in love and get hit on and hang out with boys.
I thought I was in love 2 moths ago and I have shed a lot of tears over the same boy.
But now I don't think I am. And those tears dried to salt on my sunburnt skin long ago.
The pain is still there. The excitement comes and goes.
I will always have these questions.

Being 18 is a wreck.
But I said that about be 15, and 16 and 17.

I didn't enjoy high school.
I wish I didn't have social anxiety.
I wish I would have asked BL on a date.

This post is a wreck.

My bedtime should be 9:30
Yet here I am, typing at 1:39.

I still need to write my rugby coaches a letter
And me Reese a letter
And call the fafsa people (the fafsa is a joke)
And call about my apartment.

I'm grateful
But stressed
I'm hopeful
But scared.

Maybe I'll never be good enough
But I'm trying hard.

I watch my 6 year old brother try to play tennis
And I can't help but wonder what he'll actually remember from this time of life.
Everything changes from here on out.
I hate that.
But I can't stop time.

I wish I could.

Adios

I'm not the biggest fan of high school,
but I'm going to miss
riding to school with Elijah every other morning,
eating lunch with Aspen,
sitting outside in the sunshine,
waiving to people I care about in the hallways.

I'm going to miss
stag dances,
formal dances,
the 800 hall,
teachers who care about me.

I'm going to miss
football players joking around with each other,
listening to the band or orchestra practice during B5,
going out to the green house,
making new friends.

I'm sure there will be so many more things as soon as I put on my cap and gown.

It's a strange transition,
but I hope things only go up from here.

It's been real Lone Peak.

Dear A1

Disclaimer: Because of the nature of high school, I know you all at varying levels. I'm sorry if my comment to you is not as in depth as someone else's. Also, I'm sorry if I spell your name wrong.

Jason - I think every intention you have is pure and kind. I think it is truly incredible that you tell people exactly what you like about them to their face.

Maddi (Peterson) - You're probably one of the funniest people I know. I miss playing soccer with you sophomore year, you have the special ability to make sprints more enjoyable.

Tanner - If hearts were fruit, yours would be a watermelon. You are smart and kind and you are going places.

Carlee - Your positivity radiates like the sun. You are adorable and you have a sweet sense of humor.

Andrew - You are one of the most intriguing people I know. Thank you for your kindness, I think life will take you in a great direction.

Alli - I think you are incredible. You are athletic, smart, kind and unique. Thanks for being a great friend and for making everyone around you feel important.

Camryn - You have beautiful skin and you can rock a flannel like no one else. I am so sorry to hear about your dad and your video left a real impact on me. I think you have important, valuable thoughts. Keep going.

Wendy - I should have befriended you in painting sophomore year. I'm sorry I didn't. You have a great sense of style.

Jake & Bacon / Bacon & Jacon? - I can't thank you guys enough for what you bring to this class.

• Jake you are a fantastic writer and your words are important.
• Bacon your ability to be completely comfortable with yourself is admirable.
• #WHATISLOVE

Cassidy - I'm sorry I called you Cassandra at the beginning of the year. You are inspired, you have a great smile and the ability to roll with things.

Ivy - I love that you loved a song enough to read it to the class. You have a lot of passion and I admire that about you. 

Mr. Nelson - Thank you for making first period enjoyable. Thank you for talking about life in a way that makes sense and is completely open. Your passion for writing is contagious. Thank your for understanding and for reaching out. Your stories are fantastic and you're hilarious on twitter and in real life and its not easy to do both. You are important.

Sabrina -  You are so cute. You are quirky in the best way possible and you have great hair.

Isa - Thank you for your laugh, humor and kind words. I think you are strong and you make the best of things. You really are alight, and I'm grateful to be your friend.

Alexis - I've always thought that you were really cool. Your laid back personality is wonderful and you are a beautiful lady.

Liz - Honestly, you are one of the friendliest, smartest girls I know. I genuinely think you are amazing. I'm glad I got to lifeguard with you over the summer. You are hilarious and you're capable of great things.

Rachel W. - Thank you for always being so kind to me. You are brilliant and you have an incredible ability to reach out and befriend others. 

Madison B - You are relaxed and fun to be around and easy to get along with. I'm glad that you were on that double date too, you're a cool lady.

Tyler T - I think you are great. Your sense of humor is awesome and you have a clever mind. At one point during high school you were gone for an extended period of time and I remember taking to Aspen about how much we missed you. Thanks for being a great friend to me.

Addy - At one point in 7th grade I sad something that totally sounded rude but it wasn't my intention to be rude at all. I think about that a lot and I want to say I'm sorry. I think you are adorable and from AP US I know that you are smart. Keep doing your thing.

Savannah - You are interesting and artistic. You are a great storyteller and you have a sweet sense of style. 

Lila - You have a beautiful name and you seem like a fun person to hike with. I love that you put your yawning picture in your yearbook. 

Dryden - I'm sorry for that one time you came to my house in Jr. High and you were so confused and everyone was being crazy. Your Chinese commercial story was hilarious.

Mitch - I think it's great how you just do your own thing at all times. You seem super laid back. 

Mattie - You're crazy smart, which is awesome. You have a great sense of ambition that will take you places.

Clara - You rock pink hair and you have a beautiful face. Thank you for all the sweet comments. 

Emily - Your sense of style is adorable. I like how you say exactly how you feel and I hope to see you perform at the Super Bowl halftime show one day.

Matt Marshall - You have been a good friend to me. I love that you are open to doing anything at any time. You have a great sense of humor. 

Mckenzie - I know I don't know you too well but I feel that you have a lot of wisdom. You are very sweet and you have a cute sense of humor. Your coloring page was adorable!

Cassandra - Thank you for always vocalizing how you feel. Your honestly is appreciated and you have a nice speaking voice. 

Rachel O - I feel like there are so many things to learn about you. Your natural social ability/ friendliness is awesome. You seem like a lot of fun to hang out with and I think it's so cool that you play the harp.

Ryann - You are the cutest. Your laugh is contagious and you can rock bangs like no one else.

Neve - I think it's pretty amazing how you moved so far and have done so well. Thanks for always being up to going on a run with me in aerobics. You are one cool lady.

Parker - You are a really sweet kid, and you have fantastic hair.

Alyse - Thanks for hanging out with me after powderpuff when I was waiting all by myself. You totally bailed me out. You have a great smile and you're a lot of fun to be around.

Serena - I've always felt like I've related to you well. We are kindred home-body spirits. I'm proud of you and all your achievements with photography. 

Love Song

I used to think love was bull crap.
I mean, after watching my parents divorce
and my grandparents divorce
and my dads fiancée of two years leave,
I started to think that marriage was
doomed to fail no matter what.
Love didn't seem real to me.
Love meant "for now."
"For now" is relative.
"For now" can mean for the next hour,
or the next ten years.
I didn't want to get married.
I told myself all kinds of things
about love to try to block myself out of it.
I didn't love myself, no one would ever love me,
Blah, blah blah, blah blah.
But guess what, love is real and powerful
and it is everywhere.
I love my neighbors, my friends, my team,
my coaches, and my YW leaders.
I love my family so much, my heart feels full.
I love God.
And when I felt that much love for others,
I started working on feeling it for myself.
I started watching good examples like
my mom and Richard,
or my step grandparents.
There is hope in everything,
I just needed to look for it.
And now I want to get married,
But not in my first year of college.

When will my heart shut up and let me live?

Pt. 1
My eyes are red
and my heart is tied to a
sail boat
on rough waters

                                          And my brain is frustrated
                                           because it's far too logical
                                                      to understand.
                                                                                                           My heart loves
                                                                                                             (and accepts)
                                                                                                               too much
                                                                                                                too easily
                                                                                                                 too often.
                                   
Pt. 2
I hope my
waterlogged heart
doesn't go down
with this ship


                                                   But with this constant
                                                              absence
                                                 

                                                                                                           Maybe it already
                                                                                                                      has.

Crying in chemistry

Crying in chemistry

THE BIG RAVIOLI

Green yellow and orange are my favorite colors.
My family means everything to me.
I like bad 80's music
and bananas just before they're ripe.

I like learning about history
I love to travel
Most of the time I'm sunburnt
and I am learning to play rugby.

Jack Johnson is wonderful
I like to be alone
But not for too long.
I love the gospel and I'm grateful for it.

I spent most of my savings on a car
6 months before I leave for college,
And I don't know what people think of me.

I like how the air feels in the morning
And dessert
And people who say hello.

My Jr. Year was the worst year of my life,
But I learned a lot about myself.
I like having a job.

I think Utah is incredible
But so are most places on the earth.
I love to ski, and run and skate.



My name is Hanna Sullivan

ords could choke on the keys Im typing on, they would be doing it now.
  
Im choking on the air I breathe too.

Scout

The fire rose high
and I kept throwing sticks,
even though I know
my mom hates the smell of smoke.

But I like the way it
seems to keep me warm
long after the fire dies out.

My hair will fill with the thick scent
of campfire, and pine
and laughter, and stardust
for weeks.

And I will be smiling.

My mom will laugh
and call me wild
and tell me to take a shower.

But she will never deny
that the crisp air
and the oak leaves
and the rough bark
makes my heart feel full.

There are three strong forces
on this good earth that
have taught me patience
and kindness and peace.

The earth itself,
my heavenly father
and
my mom.

And I am grateful.

I'm Out

high school

was not 

meant

for 

tender

souls

Haunnah

When I was 12, I had a friend named Haunnah. She was one of my favorite people to spend time with. Haunnah had severe scoliosis. It was so bad her legs would go numb and she would walk with a slight limp. She was planning to get surgery to correct the "S" curve in her spine. Unfortunately, at this point in our lives, we didn't see too much of each other, as my dad had stopped dating her mom.

I remember riding in the car with my dad. The grass was green and the air was warm as we pulled into the neighborhood. He gave me a detailed update on Haunnah's surgery, the epidural and how she would pass out because the pain was unbearable.

Thus my phobia of needles, IV's and shots began.

Picturing my sweet, 11 year old friend in so much pain was awful. My young mind associated needles with pain and heartbreak. To this day,  I cry when I get a shot, when I get my blood tested and the one time I went to the ER and had to get an IV. I hate the idea that something can be put in - or taken out of my blood stream at any given moment. No bueno.

I'm afraid of many things. However, I try my best to not let them hold me back. Most things I can manage with a little bit of work. But needles are a different story. It is a fear I am hoping to overcome. I was blessed with a healthy body, and one day I want to be able to donate blood. I don't know how or when, but one day I will.

I haven't seen Haunnah in over five years. I hope she is healthy and happy and shining. I miss her.

Best Friend

She has eyes that shine

and a heart that glows.

Her hands were created

to create.

She is a fern,

green and lively. 

She spreads her leaves 

out to the world.

She is laughter

and sunshine

and herbal tea

and roller skates.

Cassiopeia

Rotisserie Chicken

Boba Tea

Hip Hop

She is jazz music

on a Sunday afternoon.

She is strong like an oak,

but graceful as a weeping willow.

She is rooted

and continuously growing

toward the sky.

And I am grateful.

Patience

Remember

that the

important

things take

time.

And this

expectation

you created

for yourself

is only

respected

by you.

Don’t

hold

your

breath.

Crayooooola

I came from
intensity,
and loud words spoken behind closed doors,
I'm sure of it.

No, life wasn't "mac and cheese" or "dandelion" or "sunset orange."
Stress consumed my small frame,
from personality
and circumstance.

No, life was more "outer space" or "midnight blue"
and lots of learning.
Lots of experience.

Lots of love.

Some of which tore me apart,
but mostly healed my soul.
Wove those frayed edges back together.

Overtime,
the sky turned to "aquamarine"
and the clouds were no longer "manatee"
and I taught myself to keep trying,
despite heartache.

Now I see through "fern" and "canary" and "mango tango"
and a smile
and hope.

I don't want my old crayons back.

Wash the Dishes (Forgive)

Wash the dishes

You have homework again?

Why haven't you finished it yet?

How long will it take you?

Wash the dishes.

Im doing my best.

I am too.

Wash the dishes.

What did she have to say?

You can bring your friends over here if you want.

I love you.

Wash the dishes.

Thank you.

Wash the dishes.

Did you get asked to homecoming?

I'm proud of you.

Why aren't you trying out next year?

Wash the dishes.

I'm sorry.

Were having family over.

Get the house cleaned up.

Come down, we're watching Lost.

Wash the dishes.

Sarah

Linda

Work 

Wash the dishes.

No, you don't get a choice.

Be home by twelve.

I drove it for years. 

Wash the dishes. 

Stop being an idiot.

I'm the one whose flexible.

You'll respect me because I'm your parent.

Wash the dishes.

Nothing

Silence

"Hi"

Taco Time (part 1) ft. Bricks

When I was sixteen I worked at a Mexican fast-food restaurant. 

I mainly worked drive thru.

"Thank you for choosing Taco Time, this week you can get a free drink with any Nacho Grande, go ahead and order whenever you're ready."

Nice, right?

The first three months I actually had a pretty good time.

I guess I'm lucky though, because I enjoy working.

And unlimited mexi-ice samples were pretty nice. 

Anyway, there was this one guy who would come through often.

He always wore a green flannel

and his long, gray hair in a low pony tail.

He would order two kids meals, two crisp bean burritos and a large Coke. 

When I handed him his food he would thank me,

smile,

and hand me a $1 bill.

Drive thru cashiers don't usually get tips.

Thanks, ponytail guy.

Different people add bricks along your path through life.

It can be anyone,

family,

friends,

church leaders,

coaches,

even people that come and order a burrito at your minimum wage, dead end job. 

Especially those people.

They add to your boring six hour shift. 

They're remembered for the strangest things.

And they are all another brick.

Cosmology

And when you realize
that you too,
are made of stars,
that history essay on the
Industrial Revolution
doesn't seem to matter.

And when you realize
that the universe is
CONSTANTLY expanding,
the thought of watching
what you eat seems meaningless.

And when you realize
that eventually the sun
will run out of energy,
the people around you
will matter more
than ever before.

And when you realize
how small you are,
you will find your actual
worth.

Writers Block

The itch in my throat won't go away,

no matter how many times I cough.

I walk down these white hallways,

why did they decide to paint this beautiful red brick white?

They wonder why so many of us are depressed, 

yet our hallways look like an asylum.

Lone Peak has got a lot of problems. 

But there are some beautiful things here too. 

Like when Mr. Rees babies come to see him,

and he speaks to them in Russian.

Like when Señora Swartz plays her guitar during a test.

When Hope Squad decorates the school in sticky notes.

When new friendships form in classrooms or at lunch.

And of course, Uknighted every Friday. 

There is a lot of sunshine at our school,

even if our hallways are white.

New Life, New Love

A mother holds her new born baby,
as florescent light splashes across the linoleum floor.

The hospital hallways are noisy,
nurses push patients in wheelchairs
and loud cries echo from the walls.

But the small room is quiet.
The baby's sleepy breath is all that can be heard.

in and out
in and out
in
and
out.

A small nose with round cheeks,
swaddled in a soft blanket with pink foot prints,
the mother rocks her new love.
This inseparable bond has been formed between
new and old life.

Something so pure and beautiful has been
brought into such a hectic world.

But in the arms of this new mother,
safety, care and love is promised.

Live Happy

A couple of months ago, I abandoned all of my social media accounts.
Yes.
Twitter, Instagram, Facebook, Snapchat.
I never had Vine, Pinterest or Tumblr to begin with.

I didn't really talk about it.
I just quit all of them for myself.

I was too involved.
I cared way too much about likes
what other people were doing
and I was wasting so much TIME and ENERGY.

My self esteem was awful.
So I quit. I bailed. I said Sayonara.

AND IT IS SO NICE.

I do more things for myself now.
Without taking pictures.

I may be out of the loop on a lot of things.
(My friends had to explain a snapchat streak to me the other day)

But I don't really care
because I feel so much better about myself and how I choose to spend my time.

I know this isn't for everyone,
but it worked so well for me.

I made this time lapse video and ironically put a hashtag at the end.
But I had fun making it.
And I know these blogs are another format of social media.
Im trying to take a new approach to them, I just write how and when I want.
To express freely.
It helps that its all anonymous.

H A T S

Sometimes I find a new hat and I think "Sweet, I like this one."
I throw it on, I feel great and I go on my way.
Over time that hat becomes worn
And it loses its shape.
But for some reason I can't seem to let it go.

Maybe I hold on because I used to love it.
Maybe because of all the compliments I got.
Maybe because my friends told me it personified who I was.

Maybe I was just scared to let it go.

But despite my fear, I took a chance.

A hat is not apart of who you are.
Its an accessory.
Its not at all necessary.

So if you have your own old hat,
and you're too scared to let it go,
because you're afraid of change,
or you're afraid of what your friends will think,
or you don't think you'll find another that fits this well,

Take a leap.

Let it go.

Breathe.

You're not here to impress anyone.
You're here to smile in the sunshine
and breathe some fresh air.

Change is something to celebrate, not worry about.

So send your hat to D.I. because someone else will love it.
And treat yourself to something new.
Because as long as you're willing to try again
a new, beautiful hat will come your way.

Thanks Rick

Never have I pictured myself making it this far in life.
Everyday I think back, and oh my, how things have changed and evolved.
Vivid pictures from the past,
Everything is different now,
Reaching new forms of happiness.

Give what you can, and be grateful for what you have.
Observe others, learn as much as possible.
Never give up.
Never give up.
Amaze yourself every day.

Going forward into the unknown,
Im grateful for my experiences.
Value is what I have found,
Eternities of love is what I may, one day, reach.

You can too.
Open your heart, your eyes, and your mind.
Unlock your own potential.

Under the bright light of hope,
Pieces of this puzzle, your journey, will fall into place.