¿Por que?

Today I walked into BC with my best friend and I bought and expensive skateboard.
I've wanted to learn how to skate for a while now.
But even talking to the guys that worked there stressed me out,
How on earth am I gonna go to a skate park?
I don't know
I don't know.

Lately every thing makes me stressed or anxious.
I shouldn't feel stressed about anything
My life is good... Real goooood.
But my mind can't help going off on tangents and slowly dragging itself into more chaos.

I didn't take this class seriously.
I should have been on time.
I'm sorry.

I tried to learn tricks on my board and I just ended up hitting my ankles instead.

I'm watching my friends leave on missions
And my best friend leaves in 18 days.
I don't think he will ever understand how much I care about him,
but truthfully I don't think he cares for me that much at all.
I know it's good that they're going,
It's just awful to watch them leave.
I have never been more grateful for e-mail.

I'm scared to leave my family.
I am slowly repairing my relationship with my dad.
And I don't think I've ever been closer, or more grateful for my step family.
I'm going to miss all 4 of my crazy brothers.
And my mom. And Richard.

I'm wearing stupid Nike socks to try to get the swelling in my ankle to go down.

College is strange
I  want to learn Spanish and sewing and the metric system
And instead I'm going to take math for the real world.
I graduated high school with 25 college credits
I'm proud, but why?
Does it even matter?

Progress is relative, but man, I should be getting somewhere by now.

I watch my friends fall in love and get hit on and hang out with boys.
I thought I was in love 2 moths ago and I have shed a lot of tears over the same boy.
But now I don't think I am. And those tears dried to salt on my sunburnt skin long ago.
The pain is still there. The excitement comes and goes.
I will always have these questions.

Being 18 is a wreck.
But I said that about be 15, and 16 and 17.

I didn't enjoy high school.
I wish I didn't have social anxiety.
I wish I would have asked BL on a date.

This post is a wreck.

My bedtime should be 9:30
Yet here I am, typing at 1:39.

I still need to write my rugby coaches a letter
And me Reese a letter
And call the fafsa people (the fafsa is a joke)
And call about my apartment.

I'm grateful
But stressed
I'm hopeful
But scared.

Maybe I'll never be good enough
But I'm trying hard.

I watch my 6 year old brother try to play tennis
And I can't help but wonder what he'll actually remember from this time of life.
Everything changes from here on out.
I hate that.
But I can't stop time.

I wish I could.